Who am I now!

Being a mom is a joy i always wanted and have finally received. what fun it is feeling compete a little precious baby can really make every thing worth it… But at times like today when i feel what is my identity. Am I now just a house wife and a mother. Which is I must say a lot of work but still…. i have always had my own identity yet today my only identity is that i am Siddhartha Sah's wife and that's it, i am not complaining I love being his wife and love him dearly. but who am i now! I don't have a job or a home I can call my own. I don't know if i can even do anything, I have lost touch with most of my friends except one. Today even my father said I was looking sloppy. so really who am I now! A poor reflection of the person I use to be….. but then I look at my sleeping child I know who I am. I am the mother of a precious little baby boy and thats is better than any job or role i have ever played!

"..... my birthday"

Yesterday was my 31 birthday or as my brother puts it the 10 anniversary of my 21 birthday. (I suppose I will now go on and on on about my life and what I have learned and all…. And the fact that I am writing on this forum is a symbol of my jargon mood)
lesson from my 31 birthday:
• Am really fortunate to have such a loving family… and it nice to be every body’s sweetheart.
• my colleague the biggest khaooos of the first order, I mean even before they greeted me they started demanding for the cake. Like really!!!
• I enjoy studying, even at 31…
• My childhood crush who is one of my closest friends, is no longer talking to me. He is still sulking over me teasing him the last time he was in India (5 months back…) like really! we have been friend for over 15 years and he is so pissed, over nothing and dint call me, we have always called, no matter which part of the world we r in. all I got was a stupid FB wall post!!!
• I am really thrilled about all the people who did remember my birthday : )
• and the most important I dint feel bad about manav not calling me,I guess I have got over him
over all I not sure how I have fared… but I did have a super day.
want to thank the universe for loving me : )

Babbling about nothing

Just as I was planning to quit everything and go live in the hills…. Probably even settle down with the good man who is waiting for me…. I get this mail from the IB head office and its informing me about all this hi-fi stuff and I wonder why ME!!

Do you some time feel you are in this place and you don’t really belong there.. I am sort of feeling like that now. Like I have to act intellectual, like I meant to come across as someone with a High IQ (which I do have on paper.. but I don’t know how)

So while reading this mail and going through all the big jargon on education, all that is going in my head is how sick I am of bending to teach children literally (I know it sounds kinky) but I am really sick of bending down and teaching kids… and thats why I feel like quitting. I know its lame, (probably the reason I am writing about it no one ever reads this blog anyway….)

Getting back to where I started, the mail has made me realize about the number of my colleague who would love be in my shoe. And I want to give at all away just for a back ace…. Enough of babbling and dreaming of doing nothing. I have to get my act together and start working again just because i am possessive about my SHOES ; )

jump

I had this whole thing of going with the flow, and just doing, going on in my heart this past few months. To just do what i want to do for a change and not bother or worry to much. It was like i had this insane need to break away from the wall and bounders I had created for me. I wanted to go there stand on the edge and just jump.

So i went to the cliff and jumped!! made the first move took the risk and just put my self out there.... and guess what- I fell.... fortunately the only thing dented is my ego. but it is dented for sure and it actually hurts. As in i never before felt my straight forwardness was a drawback but today i am thinking it is.

I have also come to realize that the wall I have built were for a reason and its time to built them back on. I have learned a lot in the past 2 weeks and have learned a big lesson in life and hopefully grown from it.

i am feeling so many things at the moment and i find my self repeating in my mind.... "breath Aditi breath" and then singing .... i get knocked down but i get up again, u never going to keep me down.

.

been ill

Its been a while now that I have been ill and in bed…. And obviously I am sick of it : )

As I lay in bed, getting 6- IV antibiotic a day, drips and liquid diet, there is nothing I can do but sit think…. There is so much I want to write but don’t the strength today (I went on FB before)…may be tomorrow I will have more energy, and I shall share my thoughts.

Any way if you r reading this I think u know me, so please send me some good wishes, so that I am off this bed kicking ass again…soon

comfortably numb

I have this really blank feeling today… as in, its like I don’t feel any more. Life is good and I did everything the way it should be, got up early did yoga went to work and had a great productive day with absolutely no daydreaming, got back went for a run in the evening, painted for few hours, got a decent amount of work done. But still there is no real emotion. It’s as though I am programmed to do this. Well there was a feeling I was tripping while painting. As in I actually feet I was high on drugs or something. so I guess my zone is comfortably numb and in am odd way i miss my emotional drama. cause i guess it made me feel alive....

Just read this poem today. It kind of just fell onto lap literally.

As in I went to the library and picked up this book on photography, (am prepping for my shoot with a really good photographer on Thursday), and this poem was scribbled on a piece of paper just laying there waiting for me to pick it up and read… I think my guides have sent it down for me
Waiting

Serene, I fold my hands and wait,
Nor care for wind, nor tide, nor sea;
I rave no more 'gainst time or fate,
For lo! my own shall come to me.

I stay my haste, I make delays,
For what avails this eager pace?
I stand amid the eternal ways,
And what is mine shall know my face.

Asleep, awake, by night or day,
The friends I seek are seeking me;
No wind can drive my bark astray,
Nor change the tide of destiny.

What matter if I stand alone?
I wait with joy the coming years;
My heart shall reap where it hath sown,
And garner up its fruit of tears.